My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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