i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
