Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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