so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
