I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
