awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
