I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
