at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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