pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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