I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
