it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
