I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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