I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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