I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
