TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
