watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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