Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
