I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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