I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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