I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
