Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
