she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I had to cum in my sink.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
