Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
