well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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