Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
