6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize