google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
