The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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