I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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