I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
