i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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