I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
