I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
