I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
