then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
