I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My liver just had a heart attack.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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