You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
