Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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