You smell like stripper and shame
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
