I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
