I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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