You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
