..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
