No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
