Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
