The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
