Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
