She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
