Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
