If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
