Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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