just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
