I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Randomize
