update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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