We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
