hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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