the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
