some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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