I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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