I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
